A chicken in every pot. A car in every garage.

There always are those annoyances one likes to lament about while flying on an airplane. The long security lines. The ever decreasing legroom. Additional luggage fares. That crying baby. Bad food. Having to pay for bad food. But you can always find faithful comfort in your seatback pocket copy of SkyMall magazine. This publication has possibly convinced me that when I do own a home, I will want nothing more than a water-proof iPod player for my pool or shower designed to represent my devotion to my favorite NFL team.

On a recent flight from Washington DC to Charleston, SC and failing to bring along said iPod, I thought I might find out what I had missed in recent issues of SkyMall. This catalogue only offers the latest innovations in décor and home comfort, and I was in need of an update. However, I was saddened to discover there were a few items I was having trouble mustering desire for. Instead of troubling yourself trying to find these items on your, own, I thought I would compile a nice little review here for your treat.


The Giddyup! Core Excerciser. P. 153

Now, pp.152 and 153 both hold a number of items open for blatant persecution, like the “NeckPro Traction device,” which unfortunately looks like an S&M toy rather than attempting to relieve neck pain. However, the item that drew my attention for absurdity was the Giddyup! Core Excersiser. Designed to simulate riding a horse, the machine causes “muscles to involuntarily contract and relax as you balance and stay upright!” I always was under the assumption physical exercise was a voluntary act, but I suppose you will only be volunteering your Visa card as you shell out $419.00 dollars for this Seabiscut. At least I won’t have to work too hard to tone my core. The description assures me “there is pratically ZERO effort on your part. All you do is sit and enjoy the ride.”


The E-Z Chord Kit. P. 170

As I look at this next product, I am still trying to figure out which would impress a girl more at a party, and Rock Star High Score with GuitarHero or a song played on my roommate’s acoustic with the E-Z Chord device. Basically a one step downgrade from the Auto-Harp, the E-Z Chord device is a plastic mechanism that “attaches to any guitar in 5 minutes and gives you instant success.” How are we measuring success again? Anyway, after reading 24 pages of instruction and watching a 60-minute instructional video, you will be fluent in all types of music, including “Country, blues, gospel, bluegrass, rock, rockabilly and more.” All I need to do is “push the right buttons at the right time.” And for only $41.98? Ahh, I knew a bachelors in music was a waste of time...


Powernap Nap Machine. P. 183

Unfortunately, I cannot deny that I need the promised results of this device. “In just 20 minutes, you’ll feels as if you’ve enjoyed three hours of deep sleep.” However, it is more the method that draws my concern. This device claims to play a series “scientifically engineered sounds (similar to waterfall sounds) to cycle you between deep and REM sleep.” My first concern obviously is the effectiveness of this product, but really, similar to waterfall sounds? I am just trying to figure out if they are trying to sound like a waterfall or there is some “science” and “engineering” to the method. Nonetheless, chalk this one up as a $69.95 pocket imitation of those soothing sound bedside accoutrements from Brookstone. And this one only has imitation waterfall sounds.


Flair Hair Visor. P. 225

Really? Who would where this? I can think of much better ways to “amuse friends-and strangers!” Whatever happened to good ol’ fashioned streaking? I think that might “turn heads!” Did I mention these are patented? I bet that guy feels like he really accomplished something when he patented his “shady visor with a built-in ‘do.’” High-five.


Portable Desk. P. 229

I must admit I can appreciate the age where technology helps business move quicker and more effectively. Yet in this rush to create the next blackberry or ergonomically designed chair, a few products fail more than the Portable Desk. This Desk is designed so that you can “use your laptop standing or even walking.” I guess finding something to sit on is harder than I thought. This item fails to warn about the obvious hazard of walking while staring at a computer screen, but also neglects to mention you might be mistaken for a snack concessionaire at an NFL game in the process.


Feng Shui Compass. P. 231

This next item I am still trying to sort out. Apparently it is an electronic “compass” which utilizes “the same technology used in aerospace guidance systems” to find a favorable environment of electronic energy. Now, I already am a skeptic of feng shui, but guidance systems suddenly being used as some eastern energy field locator? And I thought those E-meters that scientologists used were bad. Apparently, this device “locates and calculates energy fields so quickly, you can align your physical surroundings to match your intentions.” You’ll notice in the picture there is only one button. But I guess if I am looking for favorable electromagnetic conditions, I know how to spend my next $399.99.


Night Sweat Alarm P. 247

I have to admit that with this next product I am nowhere near its targeted senior citizen market. However, the “Night Sweat Alarm” immediately caught my attention. Apparently, the owner wears this on their wrist and when this device senses perspiration, it vibrates and sounds an alarm, allowing you to “wake up and remove blankets or take other corrective action.” My first question was what other corrective action? And never mind the normal biological response to being too warm while sleeping. I suppose some people sleep harder than I do. Still, this product has me feeling they ran out ideas for gadgets to be used when we are awake. Yet for $139.99, I think will just rely on my senses to help me take that corrective action.